Unsettled

I have about a million thoughts floating around in my head - so I hope I can get at least a few of them into one semi-coherent blog post. :) 

Last year I read the book Made to Crave (A MUST READ book!!)  One of the things that really hit me as I was reading and has stuck with me was Lysa's prayer "unsettle me" --it was a New Year and instead of lengthy resolutions that she'd never stick with, her prayer was a simple one, "unsettle me in the best kind of way.  For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long --suddenly a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul."   I'm not sure why this resonated with my heart as much as it did - perhaps because I like nothing more than to be settled, perhaps because I long for peace, and order and consistency and routine, and perhaps because God was about to show me that it was time for a little "shaking up" to make room for the fresh and new He was longing to bring in. 

For several months now, I've gone back to that prayer - Unsettle me Lord, show me where I'm settling for less than your best, show me where I've missed the boat.  Don't let me settle in and get comfy if this isn't the place I'm supposed to getting comfy.  God has been SO faithful! 

Last year I felt God continuously unsettling me about the "busy-ness" of our lives.  With three kids, working 3 days a week, Tom in the National Guard and working full time, church activities, social activities etc. etc.....I don't need to tell you, life was (is) busy!  I had convinced myself that this was just life....especially life with three littles.  In my mind, this is just how it was supposed to be, and how it was going to be for the next 18+ years, and eventually (probably sooner than I would like!) the kids would be grown and life would slow down.   As last year progressed, I felt God telling me it was time to make some changes, time to slow down this crazy life we were living --and though it took me several months to realize it, one of the ways he was calling me to make this change was in my work.  This was hard and I'm not going to lie, God and I had more than one "battle" over this.  I hope you'll hear me out here and not pass judgment -- for the last 7+ years, I've felt like I really sought out God's will and followed his will with respect to my career.  I felt God calling me to go to law school, calling me to do the work that I do in juvenile court.  I was blessed with a job where I was able to work part time and still have time home with my kids and I truly LOVED what I was doing.  I think this is partly why I took it so hard when people criticized my working with young kids -- I was certain this was the work He had called me to do.  This is also why it was hard for me to make a change --why would God call me to quit my job now?  Surely He called me to get my law degree....why would he want me to "waste" it now.....and then doubt crept in, maybe I missed something, maybe God never really called me to go to law school.....what a miserable thought!  God is not a God of doubt and despair....and when I took the time to seek Him out, He was again faithful.  Through several more weeks of praying and seeking His advice, negotiations with my partners, etc, God revealed His plan.  A plan that would allow me to continue working with the kids and families He has called me to work with but giving me more time with my own kiddos.  He reassured me that He didn't lead me to law school and give me a heart for these "less fortunate" families for no reason at all -- He has a plan and a purpose and He is working it out in my life.

I love Beth Moore's take on this in her devotional on the life of David -- "David received invaluable experience in the process of keeping sheep.  Psalm 78:70-72 states, 'He chose David his servant and took him from the sheep pens; from tending the sheep he brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel his inheritance.  and David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them.'  I believe God takes the building blocks of our lives and uses them for His glory.  Never assume that to follow Him means to throw away who He made you to be.  Few things seem less spiritual than keeping a bunch of smelly sheep, yet God used David's skills for eternal purposes." 
 
I love that and I pray that God continues to use my skills for eternal purposes!!  And lest you think it's time to settle in and get comfy in this new 2 morning a week work schedule.....don't worry, there's still plenty of "unsettling" going on.  He's still been unsettling the stinky attitude I'm prone to having towards my hubby and kids, unsettling the financial "goals" I've set and encouraging me to spend my money on things that make an eternal difference instead of building up "treasure" that doesn't matter, unsettling the lifestyle I've been living and utilizing the margin we've created by working less to add in some "better" things....like exercise and time to focus more on health.  That's a blog post for another day! :)  I have to say though - for a girl who likes stability and consistency, this unsettling has been refreshing!

Growing up too fast!

My littlest bug is 2 months old, my biggest bug is camping in the backyard with her daddy for the first time ever, and my middle bug….well he’s stuck sleeping inside with me tonight and I might be secretly hoping he wakes up early and comes in my room to ‘nuggle!  He’s my little snuggle bug and I hope he never outgrows it!!  

This has been a really fun weekend – and much needed after a couple of crazy busy weeks!  I have an appellate brief due June 22nd and a 2 day trial June 28 and 29…the combination of the two equals major stress and long work hours (usually starting after 10 pm when everyone else is sleeping and the house is finally quiet). Briefs and trials are a bad combination anytime…but briefs and trials when you’re still supposed to be on maternity leave are just plain miserable! Needless to say we’re counting down the days till the end of the month…and being VERY thankful that July looks to be a whole lot calmer!

I finally uploaded pictures and videos and found a few that I just have to share!  Maybe when July 1st rolls around and I’m operating on more than 3-5 hours of sleep a night, you’ll get a more coherent blog post—for now, you’ll just have to enjoy the pictures! 

LOVE that smile!!  She is such a happy babe—and so good natured, we are blessed! 

And Gracyn is blessed to have a brother and sister who love her to pieces!!

Makenzie LOVES to sing to Gracyn….and Micah loves to do anything his big sister does….and Gracyn loves to listen, she’ll even stop her fussing just to listen to her big sister sing.  Micah man’s singing doesn’t quite have the calming effect Makenzie does – imagine that, it’s only about 10 times louder and usually less than 2 inches from Gracyn’s face!  

Love this little man’s singing…even if it isn’t Gracyn’s favorite!

Workin' mama

I don't know that I've ever faced as big a challenge in my life as the challenge to balance work and mommyhood....and maybe that's because its a whole lot of challenges wrapped up in one....the challenge to just get laundry done and meals on the table while working 3 days a week, the struggle to feel like there's enough of me to go around, the challenge to trust someone else with my children, the challenge to move past the criticism I've received in trying to balance the two and perhaps most of all, the struggle to determine if this is really something God has called me to do.  It has been an ongoing struggle [for the entire 3 1/2 years I've been a mom] and it is something I continue to struggle with [on a near daily basis] and I certainly don't think I've found all the answers, but I think along the way I've found some and I decided I should share them.  I don't intend this to be my soapbox, I'm definitely not here to tell all the moms in the world to get to work...just here to share where my heart is at and what I've discovered about God's purpose for my life. 

When I started law school, I couldn't wait to be an attorney and the longer I was in law school and the more "real world" experience I got, I grew even more excited.  Then in November 2007, something changed.  I had a beautiful baby girl....and the struggle set in - I spent the first few months of Makenzie's life finishing law school (graduated in December 2007) and studying for the bar exam (February 2007).

                                                          Literally, we spent nearly 2 full months like this!

And then when Makenzie was 4 months old, I started working part time.  And I started wondering if this was really what God called me to do.  Over the last few years, I've spent probably more time in prayer over this than about any other single thing.  I think the easiest way to show you what I've learned is to just show it as a dialogue - my chats with God over this very issue:

Are you sure I'm supposed to be working?
Natalie I didn't bring you through 2 1/2 years of law school and give you such a passion for what you're doing so that you cannot use this gift. 

But what about being a mom?
Have I not given you the perfect opportunity to balance both jobs?  I know you can do both, you need to trust me. (For those who may not know, I work part time...3 days a week in a WONDERFUL, totally family friendly firm.)

But what about leaving my kids with somebody else?
Look at what I've provided for you.  (Point well taken - Cori is an AMAZING Godly woman, my children LOVE going to her house and I seriously could not ask for a better person to care for my kids while I'm at work.)

But what if my kids are traumatized because I'm not with them? 
They're my kids, not yours Natalie and I'm plenty capable of taking care of them.  I'm not going to call you to do something that's going to hurt MY kids that I've allowed you to raise.

I could go on and on because God and I have had a lot of chats over this issue (apparently I'm a slow learner).  The bottom line is, time and time again I question whether or not I'm doing the right thing, and time and time again God answers my questions with a resounding "yes, you're doing exactly what I've called you to do."   Today was no exception.  I've been in a total post vacation funk this week.  I think getting home from vacation (4 really fun days with my kids!) combined with being w/o a hubby for the last 3+ weeks and knowing I still had 1 week to go just put me in a slump.  A weepy, overwhelmed, don't want to go to work, just want to stay home with my babies and stay on vacation slump.  And it didn't help that this was a busy week - 4 days of work instead of my typical 3 because I have court tomorrow.  Ugh.  And twice this week God totally made my day through the kiddos I work with. 

In a meeting on Wednesday afternoon, a teenage girl that I work with was talking about a conference she had gone to with other foster youth.  At the conference, the foster youth had discussed problems with the system and we were visiting about what those problems were.  One of the problems raised by a number of youth was that case managers, attorneys etc. are all too busy and don't devote the time necessary to the kids and families they work with.  This gal said, "I figured out that I'm really lucky because I have a really cool case manager and a really cool GAL (that's my role) and a really cool CASA work, and you all come to my house every month.  Nobody else in my group has everybody at their house every month to talk about what's going on." 

Today I got a totally random (random to me, no doubt perfectly planned by God) phone call from a kiddo I used to work with.  A bad ass (pardon the language), punk of a kid who I had some pretty good battles with and who had most recently spent some time in the YRTC.  A kid I was pretty sure was probably headed for prison if he didn't make some pretty serious life changes.....his dad was in prison for drug distribution, his brother has spent a number of nights in county jail on various charges, mom is in another state and not involved and this kid was basically left to fend for himself.  But the longer I worked with this kiddo the more I understood where he was coming from and why he had such a "tough guy" attitude and the more I grew to really enjoy this kid.  I continually told this kid, "you're a great kid but you've got to make better choices".  To make a long story short, when he was sent to YRTC last fall my work with him was done, but today he called me.  He was released from YRTC in May, he finished his GED and successfully applied to the state to have it converted to a high school diploma, he's living and working with an uncle, he's passed all his ua's since he was released and he has joined the Army and leaves for boot camp next month.  And he called because he just wanted to tell me thanks all my help.  I just sat at my desk and cried, thankful for the opportunity I've been given. 

And so, for now and for as long as God continues to call me to this path, I'll keep trying to find that balance....and when I fail miserably, I'll trust that God's grace is more than sufficient.