Choices to Make

When the phone rang before 7 am this morning, I knew it wasn't going to be good news.  I had that sinking feeling in my stomach when I grabbed my phone and saw that the caller id showed my parents number.  The conversation went something like this: 
Hello?
Hey, what are you doing?
Just getting ready...why are you calling me?

And then then came the news....Grandma Bilva died last night.  Not the news I wanted to hear - all at once I found myself in tears, crying at the loss of my grandma, mad at the doctors who saw her yesterday and didn't detect a problem, wishing I would have seen her one last time....but as the day wore on, I realized that I had a choice to make...actually several choices to make:

* I could choose to be mad at the doctors, or I could trust that God was in control - that He didn't turn His head and miss my Grandma dying but instead that this was part of His perfect plan.
* I could choose to be sad for all that I've lost or I could choose to rejoice in all of the happy memories that I have of my Grandma.
*I could choose to live my life wishing that my children would have known more of their Great Grandma, or I could be SO, SO thankful for the fact that my kiddos had the benefit of knowing their great grandma, even if for only a short time. 
* I could choose to live my life wishing I would have visited one more time or called one more time, or I could choose to be thankful for all the visits and phone calls I had. 

In reality, these choices face us every day.  These kind of choices don't just need to be made when we lose someone close....these are choices that I make each and every day, most of the time without thinking.   I had the opportunity to make just this kind of choice....I don't tell you this story to seem like a super-Christian.....it's on my mind tonight and I think its worth sharing!!  Several years ago, my grandma and I had a pretty strong disagreement and some really hurtful things were said.....and back then I had a choice to make.  I could have parted ways with my Grandma, I could have let bitterness and hard feelings take over....but I've watched my Grandma live with bitterness and hurt all her life and I knew I didn't want that.  You see, my Grandma and her sister hadn't spoken in years, hurt feelings and anger ran high....and in a lot of ways, my Grandma had every right to be hurt and angry.  But life isn't about what we have a "right" to  be....the truth is, I don't have any "rights"....I'm here on this earth by the grace of God.   God set the standard and I missed the mark....day in and day out I continue to miss the mark...but God doesn't say to me, Natalie don't deserve my love....Natalie you've failed......instead, he offers forgiveness.  Not "I'll forgive you if you say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness" but free and unconditional forgiveness.  And he calls me to do the same.  I can't tell you how thankful I am, that I chose forgiveness, that I chose to give up my hurt feelings and pursue a relationship with my grandma.  Over the last several years, hardly a week has gone by that I haven't talked to my grandma, she would come to visit everytime she came to Holdrege for a doctors appointment and we'd go out for lunch, Miss Makenzie knew and dearly loved her "gramma bilda", and Micah would vie hard with his sister for Grandma Bilva's attention.  I loved seeing the joy on her face when she was around my kids (or any of her great grandkids for that matter!)  I had the blessing of meeting and getting to know Gene - who spoils my kiddos as much as any Grandpa they have and who proved to be such an amazing friend and caretaker to my Grandma!  6+ years ago when we had our disagreement, I didn't have any idea how much I could have missed....but I can tell you, when the phone call came this morning,  I couldn't have been more thankful for all the memories I have because I got over myself and forgave!    I'd like to tell you that I always make decisions this well, but that would be nothing short of a lie.....but I hope that reflecting on this and the impact my Grandma had on my life will make me think twice before I choose to be self-righteous, before I choose to deny someone else the forgiveness that has been so freely given to me, before I choose to let the sun go down on my anger.  As cliche as it sounds, you never know when it might to too late....so today (and I hope everyday!)  I choose to do my best to live a life with no regrets!