Just What I Needed.

You gain confidence through knowing that I am with you--that you face nothing alone.  Anxiety stems from asking the wrong question: "If such and such happens, can I handle it?"  The true question is not whether you can cope with whatever happens, but whether you and I together can handle anything that occurs.  It is this you-and-I together factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully. 
                                                                                  --From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Coincidence that I read this the day Tom left?  I think not. 

Yep, I still hate saying goodbye....

So, I'm just not going to --we're saying "see you later" instead!  Tom is on his way to San Antonio....both babes are still sleeping and I'm kind of a wreck, but I'll spare you the sobbing and just post pictures!  We had a picnic at the park last night --but you don't get to see that because I forgot my camera and the picture from my phone won't post (check facebook, I'll try to upload it there!) 
Tom said his "see you laters" to the kiddos at bedtime and even Micah gave him big hugs and kisses --so, so cute!  Makenzie told him, "but I might miss you" and then she prayed for her daddy to have a safe trip to Texas and a safe trip home.  :)  I'm SO, SO glad I get the spend the next month with these two!! 

Here's the HUGE calendar Makenzie and I made to help her count down the days till Daddy gets home.  Thankfully she didn't seem to notice my inability to draw straight lines and make the squares even.  She wanted to hang it above her bed so she can color in a square each day and then she can count the empty ones and know just how many days until her daddy gets home. 

And it wouldn't be a trip without a care package -lots of candy...check, crackers just in case the meals are terrible...check, pictures of the cutest kids EVER....check, and special pictures drawn just for daddy by Miss Makenzie...check! 

Love you and miss you already Tom!! 

Feelin a little stressed

I discovered last night that I'm completely out of checks (the box I thought I had left were checks for our health savings account)....not a huge deal (thanks to online bill pay).  I don't write very many checks except that now I have to get cash to pay daycare this week. 

And then today I got an email from my credit card company saying there were fraudulent charges to my credit card, so after spending 30 minutes on the phone confirming that they were indeed fraudlent charges (no, I did not make 2- $2094.42 charges to some place called M Elle yesterday thank you very much), my credit card has been shut down and they are sending me a new one that should be here in 5 to 7 days. 

And my husband leaves tomorrow morning at 5 am....for a month.

And the kids and I leave Friday for Dubuque....with no checks and no credit card....thinking I better get some cash before we hit the road so I'm not totally dependent on my debit card! 

And Micah has some strange rash on the bottom of his right foot that the doctor suspects might be foot and mouth (watch his mouth for spots and if he develops any sores in his mouth or more spots on his feet keep him out of daycare for the rest of the week). 

In an effort to avoid a major meltown, I'm blogging and eating chocolate, and thinking of picking up a diet mountain dew (thank you $1 Runza drinks!) when I pick up Makenzie from VBS.  :) 

Forget me not Friday

I got this idea from another blog....definitely not my original idea - the gist of the other blog was that mama's should take more pics with their kids, because our excuses not to are far outweighed by the fact that kids are not going to look back and think "they were having a bad hair day in that photo." Forget me Not Friday is a reminder to post photos of me with my kids from the past and the present.  I have a hard time taking pictures of myself or even looking back on photos of myself without feeling super critical.  But for those little sweetheart's sake, I want them to remember that I sure did love to be with them, no matter the hair day!  I kinda cheated this week and started with a picture that's easy to look at....fresh coat of makeup and I got to spend an hour getting my hair done by SOMEONE else before the picture was taken!

Top Five

ONE WEEK till Tom takes off for San Antonio....for a month!  I have a whole new appreciation for military wives/moms who send their guys off to Iraq or Afghanistan for MONTHS at a time!  And just because it doesn't get said enough, THANK YOU to all the troops for your service to our country! 

I was looking at the calendar and figured out that Tom is gone for parts of 5 weeks....so here it is, my list of 5 things that I'll miss the most in those 5 weeks.  I could come up with a lot more, but I needed to stop at 5 or I was going to have myself in tears! 

1.  Laying in bed after a long day and talking about how cute are kiddos are, all the funny things Makenzie said during the day, all the naughty things Micah did, and just how blessed we are.

2.  Sleeping in  (redefined sleeping in....you know like 7:30 am) on Saturday mornings while Tom gets up with the kids (at 6 am). 

3.  Having a helper, someone to share everyday life with....talking on the phone once a week just isn't going to be the same!  I love that Tom helps out so much - and for the next month I have to cook AND clean up dinner AND keep the kids entertained while I do the cooking and cleaning up! 

4.   Having someone to rant to after a hectic day at work....someone who listens and never reacts, never gets worked up when I'm going 100 mph in circles about nothing!  There isn't anything that can take the place of a hug from my man or his shoulder to cry on when I'm in a tizzy. 

5.  My trash man.....I can't tell you how much I hate trash duty, and in over 6 years of marriage I can probably count on one hand (maybe 2 hands) the number of times I've taken out the trash and I HATE thinking about having to take out the trash myself for the next 30 days! 

And because I don't want you to think its all gloom and doom around here while Tom's gone, here are 5 things I'm really looking forward to in the next 5 weeks: 

1.)  4th of July in Dubuque - Tom's grandparents live in Dubuque and we've gone there every July 4th for the last several years.  His grandpa is 92 and they just moved to assisted living (If I'm 1/2 as sharp as his grandpa at 92, I'll consider myself amazing!!)  I think it will be a little hard to not spend the time at their house -- the house they built when Tom's mom was young and have lived in all their lives, but I'm SO excited to see them!!  Hopefully they're still up for a trip to Eagle Point Park. :) 

2.) Go Fish concert -  We LOVE Go Fish!!  We went to one with Makenzie shortly after Micah was born and I found out they are coming to Kearney in July....so we got tickets and my parents, the kids and I are going to Go Fish!  (Hope Grandma and Grandpa know what they're getting themselves in to!!)

3.)  A week away --of course this would be better if I could call it a FAMILY vacation, but I'm still looking forward to it!  Several days of no work and lots of fun with my kids!  We're headed to Lincoln/Omaha to see friends, my grandparents, go to the zoo and hopefully hit up a children's museum! 

4.)  Makenzie picking up the phone and saying, "Oh hello dad" just like she's 3 going on 16  - MELTS my heart to see her smile when she hears her daddy's voice on the other end of the phone!

5.)  July 26th - party at the Nelsen's....MY HUBBY GETS HOME!!  :)

Celebrating...

these two guys today - Happy Father's Day to my daddy and to my babies' daddy! 

(Sorry about the crazy eyes, I can't seem to get rid of the red eye!)

LOVE her!

Makenzie came into our bedroom at 6:45 this morning, leaned over so she was about 2 inches from my face and said in a totally serious, somewhat panicked voice....."Mom, my hand is sparkling."   Thankfully this time around I knew exactly what she meant!  She told me the same thing a couple days ago right after she woke up from a nap and after 10 minutes of painful guessing and her screaming in frustration every time I guessed the wrong thing, I figured out that her hand was asleep! :)

Needed: Advice!

My hubby left Wednesday for a dental conference and will get back Saturday, be home for a short 10 days before leaving again to spend nearly a month in San Antonio for National Guard officer training.  I think I have most of the logistics worked out in my mind - this week was a good "test" and I figured out that I can get up and get both kids ready and all of us out the door...I even made it to work on time both days!  :) Mornings are certainly a little crazier without Tom here - and seem to involve me telling Micah at least a dozen times to stay out of the toilet while I'm trying to rush through my morning makeup routine.  

The little man seems to be taking it all in stride - he gets up in the morning looking for "dadada" but when I tell him he's not here, he gets it and seems to move on.  My poor girl though, she hasn't faired so well.  She has been a wreck this week!  And I just feel bad for her!  Her behavior hasn't been bad, in fact she's been even better than usual (sharing with her brother SO well this week!!), but we've had lots and lots of tears over daddy being gone.  Each morning this week when she wakes up, her first question is "where's my daddy" - and when I have to tell her that he's still not here (Remember Daddy's in Seattle, but he'll be home in ____ days.) it causes an all out meltdown.  And for the rest of the day every time she's tired or upset about anything else, she's in tears telling me she misses her daddy.  Bless her heart - she is just TOO sweet!  But I really worry about how she's going to fare when daddy is gone for a month.   I'm thinking we need to make something to help her count down the days until daddy gets back - she doesn't have a real good concept of time (we do okay with he'll be home in 3 days...but any more than that and she's asking me, is it 4 days yet, will it be 4 days tomorrow).   If any of you have good ideas for how to help Makenzie manage a month with out her daddy, I would welcome the ideas!!  :)  I think I'll say an extra prayer today that we never have to deal with a deployment! 

I want to leave a legacy...

It's been a hard week - but a good week.  You may have seen in my last post that my Grandma (my dad's mom) passed away last week -not completely unexpected but not really expected either if that makes any sense.  She had been sick a number of times in the last few years and had congestive heart failure, kidney failure etc....but at the end of May she had two stents put in and seemed to be doing really well.  Over the last several days we've spent LOTS of time with family, with my cousins who we only see a couple times a year and we've shared a lot of memories.  One thing has really struck me - over and over again as we all talked, my grandma's legacy was one of hurt and anger and bitterness.  I don't mean to bash on my Grandma at all - she was a WONDERFUL grandma and I have lots and lots of great memories, but when you look at the "big picture" of her life, you see a life marked by loss, by hurt and by bitterness.  My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandparents divorced when my dad was young, my grandmother lost a daughter to a car accident when she was 16 years old, and when my great grandparents passed away my grandma and her sister had a massive falling out and hadn't spoken in nearly 20 years.   Some would look at my grandma's life and think that she had every reason to feel jaded, to be mad or hurt...and maybe she did. 

As we all sat and talked though, I couldn't help but think, this isn't the kind of legacy I want to leave.  This isn't how I want my family to remember me.  I want my life to be marked by my faith in the God who saved me, by a love for my family, by a passion for everything that I do.  I want people to look back on my life and see a life well lived.  If I face the kind of trials that my Grandma dealt with, I want people to remember that I clung to Jesus and I overcame the struggles, that I forgave instead of harboring bitterness, that I loved when others seemed unlovable or undeserving. 

Choices to Make

When the phone rang before 7 am this morning, I knew it wasn't going to be good news.  I had that sinking feeling in my stomach when I grabbed my phone and saw that the caller id showed my parents number.  The conversation went something like this: 
Hello?
Hey, what are you doing?
Just getting ready...why are you calling me?

And then then came the news....Grandma Bilva died last night.  Not the news I wanted to hear - all at once I found myself in tears, crying at the loss of my grandma, mad at the doctors who saw her yesterday and didn't detect a problem, wishing I would have seen her one last time....but as the day wore on, I realized that I had a choice to make...actually several choices to make:

* I could choose to be mad at the doctors, or I could trust that God was in control - that He didn't turn His head and miss my Grandma dying but instead that this was part of His perfect plan.
* I could choose to be sad for all that I've lost or I could choose to rejoice in all of the happy memories that I have of my Grandma.
*I could choose to live my life wishing that my children would have known more of their Great Grandma, or I could be SO, SO thankful for the fact that my kiddos had the benefit of knowing their great grandma, even if for only a short time. 
* I could choose to live my life wishing I would have visited one more time or called one more time, or I could choose to be thankful for all the visits and phone calls I had. 

In reality, these choices face us every day.  These kind of choices don't just need to be made when we lose someone close....these are choices that I make each and every day, most of the time without thinking.   I had the opportunity to make just this kind of choice....I don't tell you this story to seem like a super-Christian.....it's on my mind tonight and I think its worth sharing!!  Several years ago, my grandma and I had a pretty strong disagreement and some really hurtful things were said.....and back then I had a choice to make.  I could have parted ways with my Grandma, I could have let bitterness and hard feelings take over....but I've watched my Grandma live with bitterness and hurt all her life and I knew I didn't want that.  You see, my Grandma and her sister hadn't spoken in years, hurt feelings and anger ran high....and in a lot of ways, my Grandma had every right to be hurt and angry.  But life isn't about what we have a "right" to  be....the truth is, I don't have any "rights"....I'm here on this earth by the grace of God.   God set the standard and I missed the mark....day in and day out I continue to miss the mark...but God doesn't say to me, Natalie don't deserve my love....Natalie you've failed......instead, he offers forgiveness.  Not "I'll forgive you if you say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness" but free and unconditional forgiveness.  And he calls me to do the same.  I can't tell you how thankful I am, that I chose forgiveness, that I chose to give up my hurt feelings and pursue a relationship with my grandma.  Over the last several years, hardly a week has gone by that I haven't talked to my grandma, she would come to visit everytime she came to Holdrege for a doctors appointment and we'd go out for lunch, Miss Makenzie knew and dearly loved her "gramma bilda", and Micah would vie hard with his sister for Grandma Bilva's attention.  I loved seeing the joy on her face when she was around my kids (or any of her great grandkids for that matter!)  I had the blessing of meeting and getting to know Gene - who spoils my kiddos as much as any Grandpa they have and who proved to be such an amazing friend and caretaker to my Grandma!  6+ years ago when we had our disagreement, I didn't have any idea how much I could have missed....but I can tell you, when the phone call came this morning,  I couldn't have been more thankful for all the memories I have because I got over myself and forgave!    I'd like to tell you that I always make decisions this well, but that would be nothing short of a lie.....but I hope that reflecting on this and the impact my Grandma had on my life will make me think twice before I choose to be self-righteous, before I choose to deny someone else the forgiveness that has been so freely given to me, before I choose to let the sun go down on my anger.  As cliche as it sounds, you never know when it might to too late....so today (and I hope everyday!)  I choose to do my best to live a life with no regrets!   

Better late than never....

Happy 29th Birthday to me!  The pictures were a little slow making it from the camera to the blog - the brownies are long gone! :)

If you know my wonderful hubby very well, you'll know that this is his work of art... with a little help from Miss Makenzie of course! :) LOVE them!

Life is good....

when you can eat strawberries right out of the garden!