Unsettled

I have about a million thoughts floating around in my head - so I hope I can get at least a few of them into one semi-coherent blog post. :) 

Last year I read the book Made to Crave (A MUST READ book!!)  One of the things that really hit me as I was reading and has stuck with me was Lysa's prayer "unsettle me" --it was a New Year and instead of lengthy resolutions that she'd never stick with, her prayer was a simple one, "unsettle me in the best kind of way.  For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long --suddenly a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul."   I'm not sure why this resonated with my heart as much as it did - perhaps because I like nothing more than to be settled, perhaps because I long for peace, and order and consistency and routine, and perhaps because God was about to show me that it was time for a little "shaking up" to make room for the fresh and new He was longing to bring in. 

For several months now, I've gone back to that prayer - Unsettle me Lord, show me where I'm settling for less than your best, show me where I've missed the boat.  Don't let me settle in and get comfy if this isn't the place I'm supposed to getting comfy.  God has been SO faithful! 

Last year I felt God continuously unsettling me about the "busy-ness" of our lives.  With three kids, working 3 days a week, Tom in the National Guard and working full time, church activities, social activities etc. etc.....I don't need to tell you, life was (is) busy!  I had convinced myself that this was just life....especially life with three littles.  In my mind, this is just how it was supposed to be, and how it was going to be for the next 18+ years, and eventually (probably sooner than I would like!) the kids would be grown and life would slow down.   As last year progressed, I felt God telling me it was time to make some changes, time to slow down this crazy life we were living --and though it took me several months to realize it, one of the ways he was calling me to make this change was in my work.  This was hard and I'm not going to lie, God and I had more than one "battle" over this.  I hope you'll hear me out here and not pass judgment -- for the last 7+ years, I've felt like I really sought out God's will and followed his will with respect to my career.  I felt God calling me to go to law school, calling me to do the work that I do in juvenile court.  I was blessed with a job where I was able to work part time and still have time home with my kids and I truly LOVED what I was doing.  I think this is partly why I took it so hard when people criticized my working with young kids -- I was certain this was the work He had called me to do.  This is also why it was hard for me to make a change --why would God call me to quit my job now?  Surely He called me to get my law degree....why would he want me to "waste" it now.....and then doubt crept in, maybe I missed something, maybe God never really called me to go to law school.....what a miserable thought!  God is not a God of doubt and despair....and when I took the time to seek Him out, He was again faithful.  Through several more weeks of praying and seeking His advice, negotiations with my partners, etc, God revealed His plan.  A plan that would allow me to continue working with the kids and families He has called me to work with but giving me more time with my own kiddos.  He reassured me that He didn't lead me to law school and give me a heart for these "less fortunate" families for no reason at all -- He has a plan and a purpose and He is working it out in my life.

I love Beth Moore's take on this in her devotional on the life of David -- "David received invaluable experience in the process of keeping sheep.  Psalm 78:70-72 states, 'He chose David his servant and took him from the sheep pens; from tending the sheep he brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel his inheritance.  and David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them.'  I believe God takes the building blocks of our lives and uses them for His glory.  Never assume that to follow Him means to throw away who He made you to be.  Few things seem less spiritual than keeping a bunch of smelly sheep, yet God used David's skills for eternal purposes." 
 
I love that and I pray that God continues to use my skills for eternal purposes!!  And lest you think it's time to settle in and get comfy in this new 2 morning a week work schedule.....don't worry, there's still plenty of "unsettling" going on.  He's still been unsettling the stinky attitude I'm prone to having towards my hubby and kids, unsettling the financial "goals" I've set and encouraging me to spend my money on things that make an eternal difference instead of building up "treasure" that doesn't matter, unsettling the lifestyle I've been living and utilizing the margin we've created by working less to add in some "better" things....like exercise and time to focus more on health.  That's a blog post for another day! :)  I have to say though - for a girl who likes stability and consistency, this unsettling has been refreshing!

2012 in review.....and new goals fora new year

Last year I decided it was time to set some goals --make sure I was actually doing something my year instead of letting it just fly by.  And I actually did pretty well --I managed to blog once about my progress and then we added baby #3 and well, life got a little crazy.  There were definitely days where I was doing well to just get a shower :) but 8 1/2 months later, we're all still alive and I think I can honestly say, it was a good year! 

Here's the quick run down on how 2012 shaped up:

* I managed to read MORE than 6 books this year --I was trying to figure out exactly how many and I can't honestly tell you.  In April I was already at 5 for the year--after that I started on Francine Rivers but they were too long (or my attention span was too short) so those had to wait for another day.  I read most of Max Lucado's Outlive your Life, most of Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity....and I'm pretty  sure I read a couple others but for the life of me I can't think of them off the top of my head.  I started Francis Chan's Crazy Love --finishing this will be first on the list for 2013!

* Be more strategic with my kiddos --  Progress here definitely went in spurts...some days were really good, some days probably shouldn't be blogged about! :)  I really liked the goal sheets(here's a link to my 1st post about them) from Focus on the Family that I used last year--we will definitely be using those again this year!  This clearly isn't the kind of goal you do once and call it good....so it's on the list for 2013 too!

* Make at least one positive change -- This turned into some pretty major changes at work.  In the spring, I started cutting back on the court appointments I was taking so that I didn't have as many court hearings on my days off, but I still felt like there just wasn't enough of me to go around.  After lots of praying, thinking, talking, going crazy.....I decided to cut back my work even more and starting next week, I'll just be working Monday and Wednesday mornings.  To be honest, I'm really not sure how this will work but we're going to give it a try.  I'll probably have to return some phone calls during nap times but overall, I have high hopes that this will give me lots more time with my kids while still getting to do the work I love.  (And it ensures that I'm around to pick up Miss Makenzie from school everyday when she starts Kindergarten in August....but we're not talking about the "K" word because it makes me want to cry!)

* Get organized at home.  Pretty sure there is always room for improvement here but we definitely did well in this area!  Early last year we flipped the house and moved everybody to the basement --slowly but surely, I've gone through just about every closet/cupboard in the house and cleaned stuff out.  The highlight --making $200 on "crap" that I sold on facebook! :) 

Okay, enough on 2012....here's the new goals for the new year:

1.  Make my own health/well-being more of a priority.  I find that I get so focused on everything else that I forget to take care of myself....and I haven't worked out since I was about 3 months pregnant with Gracyn.  I've been thinking about this for a while but didn't think I could cram one more thing into my already to busy schedule.  Now that I'm working less, I decided to take a little "me-time" on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and I signed up for boot camp at the Y!  I'm super excited and fairly terrified all at the same time.  I'm hoping by spring to be squeezing in a few more workouts, but twice a week is a starting point!

2.  Keep reading....6 more books in 2013!  I've said it before, but I LOVE to read --it's just hard to make time for it.  Here's my list (although its subject to change without notice!):  Finish Crazy Love, then (in no particular order):  Multiply by Francis Chan, Kisses from Kate, Fearless by Max Lucado, Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst, and probably perusing/rereading Love and Logic about 50 times throughout the year as necessary!

3.  Memorize more scripture--me personally and with my kiddos. 

4.  Make a few home improvements/decorating/painting etc. --nothing major, particularly given that we're planning to build in the {hopefully near} future!   Living room lights and painting trim were 2012 projects that didn't get finished, so those get put back on the list for this year!  Our living room lights (or lack thereof) has driven me crazy for the 5 1/2 years we've been in this house....and now that two of them don't work, I can hardly stand to be in my house in the evenings because it's SO dark.  We had one electrician come look and he was going to come back after harvest to do the work.....and I haven't heard from him since.  So yesterday I called electrician #2 so hopefully we're well on our  way to accomplishing this goal!  I'd also like to find a new headboard for the guest bedroom and redecorate the dining room/end of the living room wall.  We've had the same shelves up since we moved in and it's time for a change.  Going to have to enlist the help of my sister in law on this!! 

5.  Redecorate my office at work.  I've been supposed to do this since I started working there 4 years ago.  I took over the office of the oldest partner (now retired) and he decorated in in the early 90's when they moved to the current building.  Picture: Ivory wall paper on the top half of the walls, burgundy wall paper on the bottom and carpet and a chair rail height wall paper border with eagles on it.....not exactly my style, but I haven't been able to decide what to do.  It's time to do something....I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any great ideas (or names for interior decorators!)

6.  Set goals with (and for) my kids and accomplish them!  (see the link above) 

Here's to a fantastic 2013!!

Creating a Legacy

We spent this weekend in Dubuque IA celebrating Tom’s Grammy’s 90th birthday – SO, SO much fun!  We celebrated Grampy’s 90th in Florida in January 2008, but they aren’t as mobile as they were then, so we all traveled to them for this celebration!   Tom’s grandparents are SO fun –they’ve been married 66 years, traveled all over the world together (like even kayaking in Antarctica), raised 4 kids and until last year, they still lived in the home that they built when their kids were young.  (Last year they moved into an independent/assisted living type apartment.) 
Spending time with them this weekend got me really thinking about the legacy I want to leave—and realizing what an amazing legacy his grandparents have created.
I couldn’t find an electronic copy of their wedding picture – but here are Tom’s grandparents with their first child.
 
And here’s the picture I took last weekend – seriously, I hope I look this good at 90!

And here are their 4 kids – then and now….

And after 66 years of marriage and raising 4 children – they get to enjoy 6 grandkids (1 wasn’t able to make it) and 10 great grandbabies (The 1 grandson who couldn’t make it has twin 13 month old boys). 


I imagine that Grammy had days when she yelled at her kids, maybe crabbed at her hubby, wanted to pull her hair out, wanted to throw in the towel….you know some of THOSE days that we all know all to well.  But she and Grampy stayed the course – they stayed committed to each other and to the daunting task of parenthood….and 66 years later, what an amazing story they have!  And what a sweet, sweet reminder of the bigger story, the bigger picture that can be all to difficult to see when you’re “stuck” in the day to day job of changing diapers, feeding babies, breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning and washing the 17th load of laundry.

Workin' mama

I don't know that I've ever faced as big a challenge in my life as the challenge to balance work and mommyhood....and maybe that's because its a whole lot of challenges wrapped up in one....the challenge to just get laundry done and meals on the table while working 3 days a week, the struggle to feel like there's enough of me to go around, the challenge to trust someone else with my children, the challenge to move past the criticism I've received in trying to balance the two and perhaps most of all, the struggle to determine if this is really something God has called me to do.  It has been an ongoing struggle [for the entire 3 1/2 years I've been a mom] and it is something I continue to struggle with [on a near daily basis] and I certainly don't think I've found all the answers, but I think along the way I've found some and I decided I should share them.  I don't intend this to be my soapbox, I'm definitely not here to tell all the moms in the world to get to work...just here to share where my heart is at and what I've discovered about God's purpose for my life. 

When I started law school, I couldn't wait to be an attorney and the longer I was in law school and the more "real world" experience I got, I grew even more excited.  Then in November 2007, something changed.  I had a beautiful baby girl....and the struggle set in - I spent the first few months of Makenzie's life finishing law school (graduated in December 2007) and studying for the bar exam (February 2007).

                                                          Literally, we spent nearly 2 full months like this!

And then when Makenzie was 4 months old, I started working part time.  And I started wondering if this was really what God called me to do.  Over the last few years, I've spent probably more time in prayer over this than about any other single thing.  I think the easiest way to show you what I've learned is to just show it as a dialogue - my chats with God over this very issue:

Are you sure I'm supposed to be working?
Natalie I didn't bring you through 2 1/2 years of law school and give you such a passion for what you're doing so that you cannot use this gift. 

But what about being a mom?
Have I not given you the perfect opportunity to balance both jobs?  I know you can do both, you need to trust me. (For those who may not know, I work part time...3 days a week in a WONDERFUL, totally family friendly firm.)

But what about leaving my kids with somebody else?
Look at what I've provided for you.  (Point well taken - Cori is an AMAZING Godly woman, my children LOVE going to her house and I seriously could not ask for a better person to care for my kids while I'm at work.)

But what if my kids are traumatized because I'm not with them? 
They're my kids, not yours Natalie and I'm plenty capable of taking care of them.  I'm not going to call you to do something that's going to hurt MY kids that I've allowed you to raise.

I could go on and on because God and I have had a lot of chats over this issue (apparently I'm a slow learner).  The bottom line is, time and time again I question whether or not I'm doing the right thing, and time and time again God answers my questions with a resounding "yes, you're doing exactly what I've called you to do."   Today was no exception.  I've been in a total post vacation funk this week.  I think getting home from vacation (4 really fun days with my kids!) combined with being w/o a hubby for the last 3+ weeks and knowing I still had 1 week to go just put me in a slump.  A weepy, overwhelmed, don't want to go to work, just want to stay home with my babies and stay on vacation slump.  And it didn't help that this was a busy week - 4 days of work instead of my typical 3 because I have court tomorrow.  Ugh.  And twice this week God totally made my day through the kiddos I work with. 

In a meeting on Wednesday afternoon, a teenage girl that I work with was talking about a conference she had gone to with other foster youth.  At the conference, the foster youth had discussed problems with the system and we were visiting about what those problems were.  One of the problems raised by a number of youth was that case managers, attorneys etc. are all too busy and don't devote the time necessary to the kids and families they work with.  This gal said, "I figured out that I'm really lucky because I have a really cool case manager and a really cool GAL (that's my role) and a really cool CASA work, and you all come to my house every month.  Nobody else in my group has everybody at their house every month to talk about what's going on." 

Today I got a totally random (random to me, no doubt perfectly planned by God) phone call from a kiddo I used to work with.  A bad ass (pardon the language), punk of a kid who I had some pretty good battles with and who had most recently spent some time in the YRTC.  A kid I was pretty sure was probably headed for prison if he didn't make some pretty serious life changes.....his dad was in prison for drug distribution, his brother has spent a number of nights in county jail on various charges, mom is in another state and not involved and this kid was basically left to fend for himself.  But the longer I worked with this kiddo the more I understood where he was coming from and why he had such a "tough guy" attitude and the more I grew to really enjoy this kid.  I continually told this kid, "you're a great kid but you've got to make better choices".  To make a long story short, when he was sent to YRTC last fall my work with him was done, but today he called me.  He was released from YRTC in May, he finished his GED and successfully applied to the state to have it converted to a high school diploma, he's living and working with an uncle, he's passed all his ua's since he was released and he has joined the Army and leaves for boot camp next month.  And he called because he just wanted to tell me thanks all my help.  I just sat at my desk and cried, thankful for the opportunity I've been given. 

And so, for now and for as long as God continues to call me to this path, I'll keep trying to find that balance....and when I fail miserably, I'll trust that God's grace is more than sufficient.