Unsettled

I have about a million thoughts floating around in my head - so I hope I can get at least a few of them into one semi-coherent blog post. :) 

Last year I read the book Made to Crave (A MUST READ book!!)  One of the things that really hit me as I was reading and has stuck with me was Lysa's prayer "unsettle me" --it was a New Year and instead of lengthy resolutions that she'd never stick with, her prayer was a simple one, "unsettle me in the best kind of way.  For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long --suddenly a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul."   I'm not sure why this resonated with my heart as much as it did - perhaps because I like nothing more than to be settled, perhaps because I long for peace, and order and consistency and routine, and perhaps because God was about to show me that it was time for a little "shaking up" to make room for the fresh and new He was longing to bring in. 

For several months now, I've gone back to that prayer - Unsettle me Lord, show me where I'm settling for less than your best, show me where I've missed the boat.  Don't let me settle in and get comfy if this isn't the place I'm supposed to getting comfy.  God has been SO faithful! 

Last year I felt God continuously unsettling me about the "busy-ness" of our lives.  With three kids, working 3 days a week, Tom in the National Guard and working full time, church activities, social activities etc. etc.....I don't need to tell you, life was (is) busy!  I had convinced myself that this was just life....especially life with three littles.  In my mind, this is just how it was supposed to be, and how it was going to be for the next 18+ years, and eventually (probably sooner than I would like!) the kids would be grown and life would slow down.   As last year progressed, I felt God telling me it was time to make some changes, time to slow down this crazy life we were living --and though it took me several months to realize it, one of the ways he was calling me to make this change was in my work.  This was hard and I'm not going to lie, God and I had more than one "battle" over this.  I hope you'll hear me out here and not pass judgment -- for the last 7+ years, I've felt like I really sought out God's will and followed his will with respect to my career.  I felt God calling me to go to law school, calling me to do the work that I do in juvenile court.  I was blessed with a job where I was able to work part time and still have time home with my kids and I truly LOVED what I was doing.  I think this is partly why I took it so hard when people criticized my working with young kids -- I was certain this was the work He had called me to do.  This is also why it was hard for me to make a change --why would God call me to quit my job now?  Surely He called me to get my law degree....why would he want me to "waste" it now.....and then doubt crept in, maybe I missed something, maybe God never really called me to go to law school.....what a miserable thought!  God is not a God of doubt and despair....and when I took the time to seek Him out, He was again faithful.  Through several more weeks of praying and seeking His advice, negotiations with my partners, etc, God revealed His plan.  A plan that would allow me to continue working with the kids and families He has called me to work with but giving me more time with my own kiddos.  He reassured me that He didn't lead me to law school and give me a heart for these "less fortunate" families for no reason at all -- He has a plan and a purpose and He is working it out in my life.

I love Beth Moore's take on this in her devotional on the life of David -- "David received invaluable experience in the process of keeping sheep.  Psalm 78:70-72 states, 'He chose David his servant and took him from the sheep pens; from tending the sheep he brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel his inheritance.  and David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them.'  I believe God takes the building blocks of our lives and uses them for His glory.  Never assume that to follow Him means to throw away who He made you to be.  Few things seem less spiritual than keeping a bunch of smelly sheep, yet God used David's skills for eternal purposes." 
 
I love that and I pray that God continues to use my skills for eternal purposes!!  And lest you think it's time to settle in and get comfy in this new 2 morning a week work schedule.....don't worry, there's still plenty of "unsettling" going on.  He's still been unsettling the stinky attitude I'm prone to having towards my hubby and kids, unsettling the financial "goals" I've set and encouraging me to spend my money on things that make an eternal difference instead of building up "treasure" that doesn't matter, unsettling the lifestyle I've been living and utilizing the margin we've created by working less to add in some "better" things....like exercise and time to focus more on health.  That's a blog post for another day! :)  I have to say though - for a girl who likes stability and consistency, this unsettling has been refreshing!

2012 in review.....and new goals fora new year

Last year I decided it was time to set some goals --make sure I was actually doing something my year instead of letting it just fly by.  And I actually did pretty well --I managed to blog once about my progress and then we added baby #3 and well, life got a little crazy.  There were definitely days where I was doing well to just get a shower :) but 8 1/2 months later, we're all still alive and I think I can honestly say, it was a good year! 

Here's the quick run down on how 2012 shaped up:

* I managed to read MORE than 6 books this year --I was trying to figure out exactly how many and I can't honestly tell you.  In April I was already at 5 for the year--after that I started on Francine Rivers but they were too long (or my attention span was too short) so those had to wait for another day.  I read most of Max Lucado's Outlive your Life, most of Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity....and I'm pretty  sure I read a couple others but for the life of me I can't think of them off the top of my head.  I started Francis Chan's Crazy Love --finishing this will be first on the list for 2013!

* Be more strategic with my kiddos --  Progress here definitely went in spurts...some days were really good, some days probably shouldn't be blogged about! :)  I really liked the goal sheets(here's a link to my 1st post about them) from Focus on the Family that I used last year--we will definitely be using those again this year!  This clearly isn't the kind of goal you do once and call it good....so it's on the list for 2013 too!

* Make at least one positive change -- This turned into some pretty major changes at work.  In the spring, I started cutting back on the court appointments I was taking so that I didn't have as many court hearings on my days off, but I still felt like there just wasn't enough of me to go around.  After lots of praying, thinking, talking, going crazy.....I decided to cut back my work even more and starting next week, I'll just be working Monday and Wednesday mornings.  To be honest, I'm really not sure how this will work but we're going to give it a try.  I'll probably have to return some phone calls during nap times but overall, I have high hopes that this will give me lots more time with my kids while still getting to do the work I love.  (And it ensures that I'm around to pick up Miss Makenzie from school everyday when she starts Kindergarten in August....but we're not talking about the "K" word because it makes me want to cry!)

* Get organized at home.  Pretty sure there is always room for improvement here but we definitely did well in this area!  Early last year we flipped the house and moved everybody to the basement --slowly but surely, I've gone through just about every closet/cupboard in the house and cleaned stuff out.  The highlight --making $200 on "crap" that I sold on facebook! :) 

Okay, enough on 2012....here's the new goals for the new year:

1.  Make my own health/well-being more of a priority.  I find that I get so focused on everything else that I forget to take care of myself....and I haven't worked out since I was about 3 months pregnant with Gracyn.  I've been thinking about this for a while but didn't think I could cram one more thing into my already to busy schedule.  Now that I'm working less, I decided to take a little "me-time" on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and I signed up for boot camp at the Y!  I'm super excited and fairly terrified all at the same time.  I'm hoping by spring to be squeezing in a few more workouts, but twice a week is a starting point!

2.  Keep reading....6 more books in 2013!  I've said it before, but I LOVE to read --it's just hard to make time for it.  Here's my list (although its subject to change without notice!):  Finish Crazy Love, then (in no particular order):  Multiply by Francis Chan, Kisses from Kate, Fearless by Max Lucado, Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst, and probably perusing/rereading Love and Logic about 50 times throughout the year as necessary!

3.  Memorize more scripture--me personally and with my kiddos. 

4.  Make a few home improvements/decorating/painting etc. --nothing major, particularly given that we're planning to build in the {hopefully near} future!   Living room lights and painting trim were 2012 projects that didn't get finished, so those get put back on the list for this year!  Our living room lights (or lack thereof) has driven me crazy for the 5 1/2 years we've been in this house....and now that two of them don't work, I can hardly stand to be in my house in the evenings because it's SO dark.  We had one electrician come look and he was going to come back after harvest to do the work.....and I haven't heard from him since.  So yesterday I called electrician #2 so hopefully we're well on our  way to accomplishing this goal!  I'd also like to find a new headboard for the guest bedroom and redecorate the dining room/end of the living room wall.  We've had the same shelves up since we moved in and it's time for a change.  Going to have to enlist the help of my sister in law on this!! 

5.  Redecorate my office at work.  I've been supposed to do this since I started working there 4 years ago.  I took over the office of the oldest partner (now retired) and he decorated in in the early 90's when they moved to the current building.  Picture: Ivory wall paper on the top half of the walls, burgundy wall paper on the bottom and carpet and a chair rail height wall paper border with eagles on it.....not exactly my style, but I haven't been able to decide what to do.  It's time to do something....I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any great ideas (or names for interior decorators!)

6.  Set goals with (and for) my kids and accomplish them!  (see the link above) 

Here's to a fantastic 2013!!

Creating a Legacy

We spent this weekend in Dubuque IA celebrating Tom’s Grammy’s 90th birthday – SO, SO much fun!  We celebrated Grampy’s 90th in Florida in January 2008, but they aren’t as mobile as they were then, so we all traveled to them for this celebration!   Tom’s grandparents are SO fun –they’ve been married 66 years, traveled all over the world together (like even kayaking in Antarctica), raised 4 kids and until last year, they still lived in the home that they built when their kids were young.  (Last year they moved into an independent/assisted living type apartment.) 
Spending time with them this weekend got me really thinking about the legacy I want to leave—and realizing what an amazing legacy his grandparents have created.
I couldn’t find an electronic copy of their wedding picture – but here are Tom’s grandparents with their first child.
 
And here’s the picture I took last weekend – seriously, I hope I look this good at 90!

And here are their 4 kids – then and now….

And after 66 years of marriage and raising 4 children – they get to enjoy 6 grandkids (1 wasn’t able to make it) and 10 great grandbabies (The 1 grandson who couldn’t make it has twin 13 month old boys). 


I imagine that Grammy had days when she yelled at her kids, maybe crabbed at her hubby, wanted to pull her hair out, wanted to throw in the towel….you know some of THOSE days that we all know all to well.  But she and Grampy stayed the course – they stayed committed to each other and to the daunting task of parenthood….and 66 years later, what an amazing story they have!  And what a sweet, sweet reminder of the bigger story, the bigger picture that can be all to difficult to see when you’re “stuck” in the day to day job of changing diapers, feeding babies, breaking up fights, cooking, cleaning and washing the 17th load of laundry.

Faith and Family: Memorizing Scripture with the Little Ones

A dear friend and I were talking a few weeks back about fostering our children’s faith, and one of the specifics we talked about was helping our kiddos memorize Scripture.  I’m obviously not any sort of expert on this….but we’re working on it and I’ve found a couple of super great resources to help me!  If you’re interested, here’s what we’re doing (as in my kids and I):

1.  Step Into the Bible --  I started this book with Makenzie before Micah was really old enough to do any memorizing.  It’s a GREAT book –it has short 10 minute or less Bible stories and a Bible verse to memorize with each lesson.  The really great part—the Bible verse stays the same for 5 lessons, so it gives you several days to really get the verse memorized!  Makenzie soaks this book up and even asks to do devotions in the mornings –and she’s done a great job of “keeping” her verses memorized!  Each morning we do a devotion, I’ll have her go through the verses she has previously memorized and usually if I give her the first word or two, she can take off and recite the whole thing.

2.  Another friend recently introduced me to Teaching Children Memory Verses –this is WAY more Micah style than the previous book.  My little man has the attention span of a mosquito…or maybe of a 2 year old boy! By the time I get done reading a devotion, he’s long gone….usually sitting on the floor making growling noises at me or trying to drive his cars over the book I’m reading to Makenzie.  This book is more like Sunday school materials –it has a color sheet/activity to go with each “lesson”….but the lessons are short and the activity is good for keeping attention!  They have these books for various ages --I bought the one for 2 and 3 year olds and it really doesn’t seem to be too young for Makenzie. 

I think my biggest struggle in all of this is that I want it to be grand and elaborate and perfect…..and well, 2 and 4 year olds just don’t go for this!  We’re talking a maximum 5 minutes of good attention.  But here’s what I love –God is faithful!  God made my kids with that 5 minute attention span—and He also made them more than capable of soaking up His word in that timeframe! 

The other struggle is time – 3 days a week we’re racing to get out the door to work and daycare and sometimes that means mom’s yelling at everyone to put their shoes on for the 17th time instead of sitting down to read a devotion or go through a Bible verse.  As much as I wish this wasn’t the case, I think it’s just life….if it wasn’t work and daycare it would be something else….one more year and we’ll be racing off to Kindergarten in the mornings.  (Man that’s hard to actually type out….I’m definitely not ready for that!)  The 2nd book is great for this –just this week, I gave the kids a coloring sheet at 7:45 am, we talked about the verse while I fed Gracyn and they colored, loaded up at 8:00 and practiced the verse as we drove to daycare.  They weren’t fighting, I wasn’t crabbing—and they LOVED it!  Both kids insisted on taking their coloring sheets to Trinity to show their friends and teachers.  I’m thinking “Memory Verse Mondays” are going to become a regular occurrence at our house because I’d much rather have my kids going out the door with a verse in their head than a replay of me telling them to put their shoes on/brush their teeth/ stop fighting etc. etc.

Moms - I’d love to hear your ideas—how do you do Scripture with your kids?? 

Just What I Needed.

You gain confidence through knowing that I am with you--that you face nothing alone.  Anxiety stems from asking the wrong question: "If such and such happens, can I handle it?"  The true question is not whether you can cope with whatever happens, but whether you and I together can handle anything that occurs.  It is this you-and-I together factor that gives you confidence to face the day cheerfully. 
                                                                                  --From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Coincidence that I read this the day Tom left?  I think not. 

I want to leave a legacy...

It's been a hard week - but a good week.  You may have seen in my last post that my Grandma (my dad's mom) passed away last week -not completely unexpected but not really expected either if that makes any sense.  She had been sick a number of times in the last few years and had congestive heart failure, kidney failure etc....but at the end of May she had two stents put in and seemed to be doing really well.  Over the last several days we've spent LOTS of time with family, with my cousins who we only see a couple times a year and we've shared a lot of memories.  One thing has really struck me - over and over again as we all talked, my grandma's legacy was one of hurt and anger and bitterness.  I don't mean to bash on my Grandma at all - she was a WONDERFUL grandma and I have lots and lots of great memories, but when you look at the "big picture" of her life, you see a life marked by loss, by hurt and by bitterness.  My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandparents divorced when my dad was young, my grandmother lost a daughter to a car accident when she was 16 years old, and when my great grandparents passed away my grandma and her sister had a massive falling out and hadn't spoken in nearly 20 years.   Some would look at my grandma's life and think that she had every reason to feel jaded, to be mad or hurt...and maybe she did. 

As we all sat and talked though, I couldn't help but think, this isn't the kind of legacy I want to leave.  This isn't how I want my family to remember me.  I want my life to be marked by my faith in the God who saved me, by a love for my family, by a passion for everything that I do.  I want people to look back on my life and see a life well lived.  If I face the kind of trials that my Grandma dealt with, I want people to remember that I clung to Jesus and I overcame the struggles, that I forgave instead of harboring bitterness, that I loved when others seemed unlovable or undeserving. 

Choices to Make

When the phone rang before 7 am this morning, I knew it wasn't going to be good news.  I had that sinking feeling in my stomach when I grabbed my phone and saw that the caller id showed my parents number.  The conversation went something like this: 
Hello?
Hey, what are you doing?
Just getting ready...why are you calling me?

And then then came the news....Grandma Bilva died last night.  Not the news I wanted to hear - all at once I found myself in tears, crying at the loss of my grandma, mad at the doctors who saw her yesterday and didn't detect a problem, wishing I would have seen her one last time....but as the day wore on, I realized that I had a choice to make...actually several choices to make:

* I could choose to be mad at the doctors, or I could trust that God was in control - that He didn't turn His head and miss my Grandma dying but instead that this was part of His perfect plan.
* I could choose to be sad for all that I've lost or I could choose to rejoice in all of the happy memories that I have of my Grandma.
*I could choose to live my life wishing that my children would have known more of their Great Grandma, or I could be SO, SO thankful for the fact that my kiddos had the benefit of knowing their great grandma, even if for only a short time. 
* I could choose to live my life wishing I would have visited one more time or called one more time, or I could choose to be thankful for all the visits and phone calls I had. 

In reality, these choices face us every day.  These kind of choices don't just need to be made when we lose someone close....these are choices that I make each and every day, most of the time without thinking.   I had the opportunity to make just this kind of choice....I don't tell you this story to seem like a super-Christian.....it's on my mind tonight and I think its worth sharing!!  Several years ago, my grandma and I had a pretty strong disagreement and some really hurtful things were said.....and back then I had a choice to make.  I could have parted ways with my Grandma, I could have let bitterness and hard feelings take over....but I've watched my Grandma live with bitterness and hurt all her life and I knew I didn't want that.  You see, my Grandma and her sister hadn't spoken in years, hurt feelings and anger ran high....and in a lot of ways, my Grandma had every right to be hurt and angry.  But life isn't about what we have a "right" to  be....the truth is, I don't have any "rights"....I'm here on this earth by the grace of God.   God set the standard and I missed the mark....day in and day out I continue to miss the mark...but God doesn't say to me, Natalie don't deserve my love....Natalie you've failed......instead, he offers forgiveness.  Not "I'll forgive you if you say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness" but free and unconditional forgiveness.  And he calls me to do the same.  I can't tell you how thankful I am, that I chose forgiveness, that I chose to give up my hurt feelings and pursue a relationship with my grandma.  Over the last several years, hardly a week has gone by that I haven't talked to my grandma, she would come to visit everytime she came to Holdrege for a doctors appointment and we'd go out for lunch, Miss Makenzie knew and dearly loved her "gramma bilda", and Micah would vie hard with his sister for Grandma Bilva's attention.  I loved seeing the joy on her face when she was around my kids (or any of her great grandkids for that matter!)  I had the blessing of meeting and getting to know Gene - who spoils my kiddos as much as any Grandpa they have and who proved to be such an amazing friend and caretaker to my Grandma!  6+ years ago when we had our disagreement, I didn't have any idea how much I could have missed....but I can tell you, when the phone call came this morning,  I couldn't have been more thankful for all the memories I have because I got over myself and forgave!    I'd like to tell you that I always make decisions this well, but that would be nothing short of a lie.....but I hope that reflecting on this and the impact my Grandma had on my life will make me think twice before I choose to be self-righteous, before I choose to deny someone else the forgiveness that has been so freely given to me, before I choose to let the sun go down on my anger.  As cliche as it sounds, you never know when it might to too late....so today (and I hope everyday!)  I choose to do my best to live a life with no regrets!   

Answered Prayers....

Now that the dust has settled from Friday's trial, I have to share with you the BEST part of the story.....God answered prayers!!  Over and over again God answered prayers!  When this case first started and I was appointed, I was nothing less than a nervous wreck.  I knew from day 1 this case was going to be difficult (something better suited for someone who has been in practice a whole lot more than 3 years).  I felt totally inadequate and worried that I wasn't going to be able to do a good enough job for my clients --simply because I didn't know what I was doing!  But I'm here to tell you, God is faithful!

Early on in this case, I prayed and prayed for help--I was at a loss, not even knowing how to help this family and frustrated that DHHS wasn't providing the help I thought they needed--but it was a wierd enough situation that I didn't even know where to turn or who might be able to offer the kind of help they need.  In comes answered prayer #1 -- after praying and stressing and stewing about where to turn for help, I remembered (I'm convinced it was more like God reminded me!) of a psychologist in Scottsbluff whom I had heard speak on infant mental health.  On a whim I called his office, explained the situation and asked for advice.  His office recommended I get in touch with a certain therapist in Kearney....so the next day I started trying to get in touch with her.  After literally almost 2 weeks of phone tag, I finally got to talk to her....in the mean time, her voicemail message had told me on numerous occasions that she wasn't taking new medicaid clients.  Umm...that's a problem because the only way I have to pay for her services is through the child's medicaid....and even that is only with HHS's approval.  If HHS referred the child to another therapist, the most I could do would be to get a 2nd opinion from her....and that would require court and county approval all of which could take several weeks.  Time was something that I didn't have - it could take several weeks to get an appointment once I knew I had funding for the appointment, and the 1st hearing was only DAYS away. 

When I finally got to talk to this particular therapist, she told me, "Unfortunately I don't think I can visit with you much about this case, because I actually just received a referral from [HHS worker] to see this child.  Coincidence??  I think not....more like answered prayer #2....although at the time I was busy being frustrated by the fact that she couldn't talk me me....I didn't know just how HUGE this answer would be!  This therapist who I was told was one of the best in the area, who wasn't taking new medicaid clients is now seeing my kiddo (a new medicaid client). 

Fast forward to the beginning of last week.....I was still freaking out (and praying, but probably should have been praying and trusting more, freaking out less).  HHS was being less than cooperative and had refused to release any evaluations to me.  They also wouldn't sign authorizations for me to speak to any of the therapists involved....so I had no idea what evidence was/wasn't out there....not a good way to head to trial.  In comes answered prayer #3....the child's attorney gets frustrated with HHS and starts essentially leaking me information (not illegally....he's authorized to talk to whoever he wants, but HHS certainly didn't want him talking to me) and through a number of conversations I find out that this same therapist (see answered prayer #1 and 2) is very supportive of my clients and exactly the person I need to have testify at the hearing on Friday.  There are only 2 problems...(1) I still can't talk to the therapist so I really don't know what she's going to say and (2) its too late to get a subpoena to compel her to be there and I can't talk to her to ask her to be there.  So, I leave her voice mail messages, send messages with my clients, and ask the child's attorney to beg her to appear....and answered prayer #4...she's there friday!  With less than 2 days notice, she clears her schedule and appears in court totally voluntarily! (UNHEARD of in the world of mental health experts!) 

So maybe a better title to my last post is "Prayer pays off" because truly I think the result on Friday had a whole lot more to do with God than with my preparation!  I LOVE when I can sit back and see God's hand in my life and in my activities.  It's something I need to spend more time thinking about and focusing on.  I know He is involved in every aspect of my life, everything I do--and yet, days can go by where I don't stop to see him working.  I get so caught up in the little details, the little annoyances, the busyness of life that I don't see the big picture - God working everything together for His purposes.  What a joy to get to play a role in His story!

Have I Mentioned that I Love Her?

This morning Makenzie and I were snuggled on the couch reading our daily devotion book (I'd love to have you all think we do this every morning....but that's not really the case....we try but there are lots of days we miss.  Makenzie LOVES our devotion book though and memorizing the bible verses in it, so that makes reading it together all the more fun!)  We're about six weeks into this book - its called Step Into the Bible by Ruth Graham.  There's a short reading for each day, some questions to make it easy for mom's and a bible verse to memorize (the bible verse changes each week....so you have a week to get it memorized!)  I have been seriously AMAZED at how Makenzie has memorized the bible verses, and kept them in her little memory!  She can recite all the verses we've gone through and we're working on our next one!

Anyway - this morning we were reading about the fact that God sent Jesus to earth to show us how much God loves us and that Jesus had to die so that we could be forgiven for our sins.  This isn't a new concept for Makenzie, we have talked about it several times and Sunday she stayed in church with Tom (I was home with a crabby boy who I figured out sprouted a new molar...hence the crabbiness!).  It was communion Sunday and Makenzie was very curious, she had lots of questions for her daddy about what communion is and whether or not she got to take communion which provided a great opportunity for Tom to talk with her about asking Jesus into her heart.  Fast forward to today....we finish our devotion and were talking about forgiveness and Makenzie announced that she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart.  I told her I thought that was a great idea and before i could say anymore she said "I need to pray" and proceeded to bow her head and fold her hands and say, "Dear Jesus please come live in my heart.  I'm sorry for the naughty things I do, those are called sins.  Amen."   I just sat there, somewhat dumbfounded, totally amazed, crying at the miracle I had just watched firsthand, and totally in awe of how God can work in the heart of a precious three year old little girl.