A heavy heart

I've always had a heart for kids....especially troubled kids.   I think I first realized this the summer after my freshman year of college when I went to work at a day reporting center for juveniles who were in trouble with the law.  I worked with some pretty bad kids -- they were into drugs and gangs, they were failing school and causing problems and breaking the law and not exactly the kind of kids you'd want your kids hanging out with.  But the more I got to know those kids, I saw something that very few other people saw.  I saw potential.  I saw broken homes and missing dads and poor parenting and hurting kids who were acting out and trying to get attention in all the worst ways.  I was less than 10 years older than most of these kids (and only three or four years older than some!), but we were worlds apart.  These kids had seen more and been through more than I hope I ever go through in my lifetime.   My heart broke for these kids -- they needed a chance, they needed someone to see the good in them, to believe in them....and if nobody else was going to do, then I was!

Fast forward a few ten years....yikes that makes me sound old.  I had the privilege of meeting a particularly special kiddo.   The Court called to see if I would serve as guardian ad litem (a fancy name for an attorney appointed by the court to look out for a child's best interest) for a teenage girl.  She was hospitalized after a nearly successful suicide attempt.  She had already spent nearly two years in residential treatment and had been home only a couple of weeks when she attempted suicide.  Her mom was  at the end of her rope and had turned to the state for help.  And so, I took the appointment and met this precious girl.  She struggled with mental illness, chronic depression, eating disorders, and self-harming.  She pushed people away and continually struggled with believing that no one wanted her (and worked hard to prove herself right with her behaviors).  But I looked at her and saw potential.  I saw a little girl who had been through more than any little girl should ever have to go through.  I saw a little girl so hurt by the people she should have been able to trust that she couldn't trust anyone.  And over the next 3+ years she bounced between foster homes and residential treatment, but I watched her grow to trust me, and figure out that I was going to be there no matter what.  I'd cheer her on when she was successful and when she made a bad choice, she knew she could expect me to call out her but to remind her that she one bad decision (or even twenty bad decisions) didn't define her.  We talked often about the need to pick up and move on and I can't even tell you the number of times I told her, "this decision doesn't define who you are...learn from it, decide you're going to make better decisions next time and move on."   Last year she turned 19 and my work with her ended.  Or at least my "official" work ended, but I couldn't make myself just walk out on her.  After all, that's what nearly every other adult in her life had done and I wasn't going to be just like everyone else.  So she kept my cell phone number and I assured her she could call anytime...and she did.  We'd talk on the phone weekly and it wasn't uncommon to get a text message nearly daily.  Just before Christmas I made a trip to Omaha and we went out for dinner and went shopping.  We had a great time....but I had no idea it would be the last time I would ever see her.  You see, I got a phone call yesterday telling me that she had committed suicide.

I wish I had a coherent thought process about all of this, but I just don't.  I'm heartbroken that yesterday afternoon she was in such a horrible place she didn't see any reason for living.  I'm ticked off that as a system, we failed her.  I wish I had solutions -- I don't know how you deal with severe mental illness but  I do know this....the system we have right now doesn't work.  There's a problem when someone can spend YEARS in residential treatment and outpatient counseling and take every medication known to man and still be stuck in the same chronic depression and desperate situation they started with.  But amidst all this frustration and heart break, I have a renewed passion for the work that I do and the opportunity that I have to make a difference.  May I take my work seriously, continue to see the best in the kids that I work with and give these kids the chance they've never had.

Unsettled

I have about a million thoughts floating around in my head - so I hope I can get at least a few of them into one semi-coherent blog post. :) 

Last year I read the book Made to Crave (A MUST READ book!!)  One of the things that really hit me as I was reading and has stuck with me was Lysa's prayer "unsettle me" --it was a New Year and instead of lengthy resolutions that she'd never stick with, her prayer was a simple one, "unsettle me in the best kind of way.  For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden away too long --suddenly a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul."   I'm not sure why this resonated with my heart as much as it did - perhaps because I like nothing more than to be settled, perhaps because I long for peace, and order and consistency and routine, and perhaps because God was about to show me that it was time for a little "shaking up" to make room for the fresh and new He was longing to bring in. 

For several months now, I've gone back to that prayer - Unsettle me Lord, show me where I'm settling for less than your best, show me where I've missed the boat.  Don't let me settle in and get comfy if this isn't the place I'm supposed to getting comfy.  God has been SO faithful! 

Last year I felt God continuously unsettling me about the "busy-ness" of our lives.  With three kids, working 3 days a week, Tom in the National Guard and working full time, church activities, social activities etc. etc.....I don't need to tell you, life was (is) busy!  I had convinced myself that this was just life....especially life with three littles.  In my mind, this is just how it was supposed to be, and how it was going to be for the next 18+ years, and eventually (probably sooner than I would like!) the kids would be grown and life would slow down.   As last year progressed, I felt God telling me it was time to make some changes, time to slow down this crazy life we were living --and though it took me several months to realize it, one of the ways he was calling me to make this change was in my work.  This was hard and I'm not going to lie, God and I had more than one "battle" over this.  I hope you'll hear me out here and not pass judgment -- for the last 7+ years, I've felt like I really sought out God's will and followed his will with respect to my career.  I felt God calling me to go to law school, calling me to do the work that I do in juvenile court.  I was blessed with a job where I was able to work part time and still have time home with my kids and I truly LOVED what I was doing.  I think this is partly why I took it so hard when people criticized my working with young kids -- I was certain this was the work He had called me to do.  This is also why it was hard for me to make a change --why would God call me to quit my job now?  Surely He called me to get my law degree....why would he want me to "waste" it now.....and then doubt crept in, maybe I missed something, maybe God never really called me to go to law school.....what a miserable thought!  God is not a God of doubt and despair....and when I took the time to seek Him out, He was again faithful.  Through several more weeks of praying and seeking His advice, negotiations with my partners, etc, God revealed His plan.  A plan that would allow me to continue working with the kids and families He has called me to work with but giving me more time with my own kiddos.  He reassured me that He didn't lead me to law school and give me a heart for these "less fortunate" families for no reason at all -- He has a plan and a purpose and He is working it out in my life.

I love Beth Moore's take on this in her devotional on the life of David -- "David received invaluable experience in the process of keeping sheep.  Psalm 78:70-72 states, 'He chose David his servant and took him from the sheep pens; from tending the sheep he brought him to be the shepherd of his people Jacob, of Israel his inheritance.  and David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them.'  I believe God takes the building blocks of our lives and uses them for His glory.  Never assume that to follow Him means to throw away who He made you to be.  Few things seem less spiritual than keeping a bunch of smelly sheep, yet God used David's skills for eternal purposes." 
 
I love that and I pray that God continues to use my skills for eternal purposes!!  And lest you think it's time to settle in and get comfy in this new 2 morning a week work schedule.....don't worry, there's still plenty of "unsettling" going on.  He's still been unsettling the stinky attitude I'm prone to having towards my hubby and kids, unsettling the financial "goals" I've set and encouraging me to spend my money on things that make an eternal difference instead of building up "treasure" that doesn't matter, unsettling the lifestyle I've been living and utilizing the margin we've created by working less to add in some "better" things....like exercise and time to focus more on health.  That's a blog post for another day! :)  I have to say though - for a girl who likes stability and consistency, this unsettling has been refreshing!

Thankful.

I’ve decided I spend too many days being stressed out, focused on my way too long “to do list” and not just enjoying life.  The other day I heard the Trace Adkins song on the radio…..

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

All I could think was SO TRUE….this is SO my life right now, and I already wish these days wouldn’t go by so fast.  In an effort to “hang on” to these days, I decided I needed to make myself a list of all the things I really love about these days, so here it is…split out by kiddo:

Makenzie

* I love the little prayer you’ve adopted from your Boz movie and that you “add on to” every day – “Jesus prayer that he made for our family and our friends, taking time to sit/lay (sitting or laying depends on whether its a daytime or bedtime prayer) and pray, thank you God for this great day and thank you for….(insert long list, usually involving mom, dad, Micah, Grace, Kenna, the food on your plate….and sometimes including things as random as Zoe Dog, our house, the things in the Advent calendar, your teddy bear).  I love that you are so good at thinking about the things you are thankful for – I need to learn to be more like you!

* I love your excitement for the Christmas story and our advent calendar, and that randomly during the day you’ll ask questions about Zachariah and Elizabeth, why Zachariah couldn’t talk, or what the angels name was that told Mary she was going to have a baby.

* I love your soft heart and your love for Jesus!  I love that today you reminded me that we should buy groceries to take to the food pantry because Jesus wants us to give food to people who don’t have it (We just read The King’s Christmas List….great book by the way!) 

* I love that you tell me every day “I like you and I love you mom.”  You melt my heart!!  And I love telling you, “I’m glad you’re my girl” and hearing you respond every single time “I know….I’m glad you’re my mom.”

* I love that you’re such a little mommy, looking out for everyone (including mom and dad!)  And I love all the funny things you say, like the other day when we were packing for Lincoln and you were frantically searching for ponytail holders in your bag…when I reminded you that you didn’t even wear ponytails because your hair was short, you told me, “I know, but you need them for your pants.” 

* I love that you love to help, and you do it so willingly!  I love having you help fold laundry (and clean out the lint trap on the dryer….it’s your favorite!)

Micah

* Believe it or not, I love your curiosity, even when it means unloading the toy baskets for the 10th time in a day.  I love that you love to explore and I love it when you take my hand and tell me “play” and then want me to sit down on the floor with you to play.  You are too cute! 

* I love that you love to help me – whether its unloading the dishwasher, cooking, doing laundry or putting on my makeup, you love to be right in the middle of the action!

* I love listening to you chat and I love the way you try to say everything you hear.  You talk ALL.THE.TIME right now and I think every single day you’re saying new words!  Some of my very favorites right now are “ga-mo” (Grandma Moore), “gama/gammy”, jammies, sissy (which used to just be “see” and only in the last week gained the first syllable), kimma (Christmas), and sorry –which you say LOTS of times a day, usually to your sissy.  

* I love that you can’t say the letter “s” yet – so words like snow sound more like h-no – and it makes me smile everytime I hear you say it.

* I love that you love your new Christmas jammies, and  I even love it that you want to wear them every night (and most days!) 

* I love that you love to try everything your sister is doing and want to be with her ALL the time

* I love your independence – and the fact that at not even 22 months old, you insist on walking everywhere and climbing in and out of your car seat by yourself.  When I get frustrated with the slow speed, I remind myself how thankful I’ll be in April when you can do these things on your own! 

Baby #3

* I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE feeling you kick and wiggle all.the. time…even if it means kicking my bladder at 3 am because I love the assurance that everything is okay in there, that you’re doing well and growing bigger!

* I love that your sister and brother love you so much already—they love to kiss and pat on my belly and talk to you. 

And if you’re still reading – bless your heart!!  You get rewarded with pictures!  

Convicted....

I have to admit, I've been acutely aware of my need for God lately. I can see it in my marriage, I can see it in my parenting, my interactions with my kids (particularly my testing 2 year old), at work, with friends.....I know that God has been tugging at my heart, gently calling me back to a place that I was in college....not a physical place but a place in my life where I was deeply connected to him. Where I longed to serve Him, and serve others for His glory. Where I longed to dig into His word. Where I actively sought His will for my life. The other day I was getting spending my free time (aka nap time!) perusing blogs and through a series of "clicks" I came across this one. (Renee Meyer, the author of this post is married to the pastor who married Tom and I....and he was SUCH a blessing to Tom and I during our college years and as we prepared for marriage!! The two of them were married after we were, and Tom and I actually left the college group (or aged out!!) where Matt Meyer was pastor....so I don't really know Renee, but I like to think I do).

Anyway, her post was SO, SO convicting!! I don't even want to admit how often I struggle with resentment, and how often that resentment is towards my husband (the man I love the most, the man I CHOSE to marry--but I will tell you I want to be free from the ugliness that is resentment! And just like Renee wrote, the ticket to freedom is in laying my life down....in freely choosing to do so. My choice, my action. No one takes it from me. There is no one to resent. John 10:17-18....I lay down my life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from me, but I lay it down on my own initiative...