I don't know that I've ever faced as big a challenge in my life as the challenge to balance work and mommyhood....and maybe that's because its a whole lot of challenges wrapped up in one....the challenge to just get laundry done and meals on the table while working 3 days a week, the struggle to feel like there's enough of me to go around, the challenge to trust someone else with my children, the challenge to move past the criticism I've received in trying to balance the two and perhaps most of all, the struggle to determine if this is really something God has called me to do. It has been an ongoing struggle [for the entire 3 1/2 years I've been a mom] and it is something I continue to struggle with [on a near daily basis] and I certainly don't think I've found all the answers, but I think along the way I've found some and I decided I should share them. I don't intend this to be my soapbox, I'm definitely not here to tell all the moms in the world to get to work...just here to share where my heart is at and what I've discovered about God's purpose for my life.
When I started law school, I couldn't wait to be an attorney and the longer I was in law school and the more "real world" experience I got, I grew even more excited. Then in November 2007, something changed. I had a beautiful baby girl....and the struggle set in - I spent the first few months of Makenzie's life finishing law school (graduated in December 2007) and studying for the bar exam (February 2007).
Literally, we spent nearly 2 full months like this!
And then when Makenzie was 4 months old, I started working part time. And I started wondering if this was really what God called me to do. Over the last few years, I've spent probably more time in prayer over this than about any other single thing. I think the easiest way to show you what I've learned is to just show it as a dialogue - my chats with God over this very issue:
Are you sure I'm supposed to be working?
Natalie I didn't bring you through 2 1/2 years of law school and give you such a passion for what you're doing so that you cannot use this gift.
But what about being a mom?
Have I not given you the perfect opportunity to balance both jobs? I know you can do both, you need to trust me. (For those who may not know, I work part time...3 days a week in a WONDERFUL, totally family friendly firm.)
But what about leaving my kids with somebody else?
Look at what I've provided for you. (Point well taken - Cori is an AMAZING Godly woman, my children LOVE going to her house and I seriously could not ask for a better person to care for my kids while I'm at work.)
But what if my kids are traumatized because I'm not with them?
They're my kids, not yours Natalie and I'm plenty capable of taking care of them. I'm not going to call you to do something that's going to hurt MY kids that I've allowed you to raise.
I could go on and on because God and I have had a lot of chats over this issue (apparently I'm a slow learner). The bottom line is, time and time again I question whether or not I'm doing the right thing, and time and time again God answers my questions with a resounding "yes, you're doing exactly what I've called you to do." Today was no exception. I've been in a total post vacation funk this week. I think getting home from vacation (4 really fun days with my kids!) combined with being w/o a hubby for the last 3+ weeks and knowing I still had 1 week to go just put me in a slump. A weepy, overwhelmed, don't want to go to work, just want to stay home with my babies and stay on vacation slump. And it didn't help that this was a busy week - 4 days of work instead of my typical 3 because I have court tomorrow. Ugh. And twice this week God totally made my day through the kiddos I work with.
In a meeting on Wednesday afternoon, a teenage girl that I work with was talking about a conference she had gone to with other foster youth. At the conference, the foster youth had discussed problems with the system and we were visiting about what those problems were. One of the problems raised by a number of youth was that case managers, attorneys etc. are all too busy and don't devote the time necessary to the kids and families they work with. This gal said, "I figured out that I'm really lucky because I have a really cool case manager and a really cool GAL (that's my role) and a really cool CASA work, and you all come to my house every month. Nobody else in my group has everybody at their house every month to talk about what's going on."
Today I got a totally random (random to me, no doubt perfectly planned by God) phone call from a kiddo I used to work with. A bad ass (pardon the language), punk of a kid who I had some pretty good battles with and who had most recently spent some time in the YRTC. A kid I was pretty sure was probably headed for prison if he didn't make some pretty serious life changes.....his dad was in prison for drug distribution, his brother has spent a number of nights in county jail on various charges, mom is in another state and not involved and this kid was basically left to fend for himself. But the longer I worked with this kiddo the more I understood where he was coming from and why he had such a "tough guy" attitude and the more I grew to really enjoy this kid. I continually told this kid, "you're a great kid but you've got to make better choices". To make a long story short, when he was sent to YRTC last fall my work with him was done, but today he called me. He was released from YRTC in May, he finished his GED and successfully applied to the state to have it converted to a high school diploma, he's living and working with an uncle, he's passed all his ua's since he was released and he has joined the Army and leaves for boot camp next month. And he called because he just wanted to tell me thanks all my help. I just sat at my desk and cried, thankful for the opportunity I've been given.
And so, for now and for as long as God continues to call me to this path, I'll keep trying to find that balance....and when I fail miserably, I'll trust that God's grace is more than sufficient.
